It's been awhile! My last post was a little short, okay really short. I didn't have words to say how I felt at that point in time. I think I do now, or at least I have more words than I did then!
When we found out the FET didn't work I was crushed, devastated, heart broken. I felt like I didn't get my hopes as high the second time as I did the first. But it still hurt so bad. Even though we still have 3 embryos frozen I felt like the second try was a last chance in a way. The two couples we know (or know of at least) who have had success with IVF got pregnant the second try. Something in me says that if it hasn't worked the first two times (with the best of the best embryos) how could it possible work the third time. And of course the answer is that God has a plan. The first four embryos were not meant to be born.
A question I have just recently found myself asking is if life begins at conception, are these babies in heaven? Will I meet them someday if I'm lucky enough to get there too? Side bar, 3 years ago I would have rolled my eyes at the whole life begins at conception statement. Now I feel very convinced that these embryos are babies. They are MY babies and guess what, they died. I have a right to be sad, to mourn them. I have been quite taken aback by the number of people who don't understand this. I've been hurt by the people in my life who I've opened up to about this who couldn't seem to care less. Infertility has been a unique opportunity to learn about people and to see who really cares about you. But maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe people do care but they just don't say anything because they don't know what to say. What I do know is there are some really amazing people in my life who do care about us a lot and that's probably all I should worry about.
So, what are we doing now? We are taking "a break." There a several reasons for the break. First, I need it emotionally. I've said before how emotionally draining this is and some time off has already helped me feel better (and not be so crabby!). Second, we are getting our financial house in order. This part is really exciting in a super nerdy way! We read Dave Ramsey's book and are doing a Total Money Makeover! If you haven't heard of this check out his website. Basically we are working on a "snowball" to get rid of our debt. This way, when we are blessed with a baby, we will be in the best financial situation possible. And the third reason for our break - we are looking into other options for starting a family. We are attending an informational meeting on adoption (both domestic and intercountry) on Saturday! Adoption is obviously a long and expensive process and we really aren't even to the starting line of the process yet, but it is exciting nonetheless and I can't wait to learn more on Saturday.
We are really just trying to find our way and praying for God to show it to us and to guide us and to give us patience for the journey.
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Oh I love you both so much! I'm so happy to read a blog today and thanks for always sharing and opening up in it. We will continue to pray for you both and we hope that your meeting goes well and you learn what you need to to make the right decision for you! I hope you know that we support you and want the best for you both! Keep us posted as to what you find out and what you decide! All our love to you both!
ReplyDeleteReanna, Yes, you absolutely have every reason to grieve for each one of those babies. They will be there for you to meet someday, (a very long time from now, God willing,) when you DO get to Heaven. I'm glad you are giving yourself time to heal emotionally. You need it! No one can tell you how much time you need to grieve, everyone is different.
ReplyDeleteI'm also so thrilled that you are looking into starting the process of adoption. I keep thinking that there is a little girl out there that is just waiting for you to find her. Why a little girl you ask? I don't know, just what I feel. Just remember, adoption isn't giving up hope, it is just another avenue of hope. God gives us lots of doors, we just have to be brave enough to open them. And if there is one thing I have learned about you it is that you are about the bravest person I know!