So...

It's been awhile! My last post was a little short, okay really short. I didn't have words to say how I felt at that point in time. I think I do now, or at least I have more words than I did then!

When we found out the FET didn't work I was crushed, devastated, heart broken. I felt like I didn't get my hopes as high the second time as I did the first. But it still hurt so bad. Even though we still have 3 embryos frozen I felt like the second try was a last chance in a way. The two couples we know (or know of at least) who have had success with IVF got pregnant the second try. Something in me says that if it hasn't worked the first two times (with the best of the best embryos) how could it possible work the third time. And of course the answer is that God has a plan. The first four embryos were not meant to be born.

A question I have just recently found myself asking is if life begins at conception, are these babies in heaven? Will I meet them someday if I'm lucky enough to get there too? Side bar, 3 years ago I would have rolled my eyes at the whole life begins at conception statement. Now I feel very convinced that these embryos are babies. They are MY babies and guess what, they died. I have a right to be sad, to mourn them. I have been quite taken aback by the number of people who don't understand this. I've been hurt by the people in my life who I've opened up to about this who couldn't seem to care less. Infertility has been a unique opportunity to learn about people and to see who really cares about you. But maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe people do care but they just don't say anything because they don't know what to say. What I do know is there are some really amazing people in my life who do care about us a lot and that's probably all I should worry about.

So, what are we doing now? We are taking "a break." There a several reasons for the break. First, I need it emotionally. I've said before how emotionally draining this is and some time off has already helped me feel better (and not be so crabby!). Second, we are getting our financial house in order. This part is really exciting in a super nerdy way! We read Dave Ramsey's book and are doing a Total Money Makeover! If you haven't heard of this check out his website. Basically we are working on a "snowball" to get rid of our debt. This way, when we are blessed with a baby, we will be in the best financial situation possible. And the third reason for our break - we are looking into other options for starting a family. We are attending an informational meeting on adoption (both domestic and intercountry) on Saturday! Adoption is obviously a long and expensive process and we really aren't even to the starting line of the process yet, but it is exciting nonetheless and I can't wait to learn more on Saturday.

We are really just trying to find our way and praying for God to show it to us and to guide us and to give us patience for the journey.

Results

Today was the blood pregnancy test and the results were negative. We are not pregnant.

They're In!

Our appointment for the frozen embryo transfer was at 2:30pm today. I woke up this morning and took all my meds: Doxycycline, 4 Methylprednisolone, Multivitamin, Folic Acid, Baby Aspirin, and Metformin. Then we went to Wal-Mart to stock up on movies since I am going to be laying down for the rest of today and Tuesday. My mom is going to come up and hang out with me tomorrow and we are going to watch Audrey Hepburn movies. I've never seen Breakfast at Tiffany's, Sabrina, or Roman Holiday which I got ALL of in a 3 pack for $13!

Anyway, after Wal-Mart, we had about an hour and a half to kill before we left and that was torturous. We caught up on our DVR'd shows. Finally, we left about 1pm and headed to West Des Moines and stopped at Cracker Barrel. After lunch it was off to the doctor's office. We checked in and went right back. I put on my beautiful gown and Jeremy put on his scrubs and we had our booties and hats then went back to the transfer room.



When we got in there we found out that both of the embryos they thawed survived!!! We are SO happy and thankful to God for watching over our babies while they thawed and keeping them safe. Now we are praying for Him to continue to watch over them and help them implant and grow.

At 4:30 I had my acupunture appointment which went well and hopefully helps the embryos grow as well!



Now we are just chillaxin at home and watching tv. Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers today! We TRULY appreciate the support from everyone - you are all AMAZING!!!

Progesterone - BIG needle

We started Progesterone shots tonight. I say "we" because it's a team effort - I get the shot in my behind and Jeremy gives it to me.

If you saw my Facebook status yesterday you may know of my new condition I'm calling Estrogen Induced Psychosis. Basically I am getting a lot of estrogen through the Vivelle patches and it makes me crazy. I am completely embarrassed by this but can't really help it. Thankfully Jeremy understands "it's not me, it's the estrogen." However, yesterday he asked me if we would have nine months of this if the transfer works - ha!

Still praying for a successful thaw and two great embryos to transfer on Monday!

Good Appointment Today

Today I had an appointment at Mid-Iowa Fertility. I had an ultrasound and blood draw to check my progesterone level. The ultrasound was to check the thickness of my uterine lining. The nurse who did the ultrasound said it looked "great." I was worried because I had been having spotting but she said that is likely the result of the estrogen patches.

Tonight is my last dose of Lupron. Then tomorrow night I start progesterone injections. Those are the ones Jeremy gives me so I'm sure he's pretty excited to start those again!

Our transfer is scheduled for next Monday, April 26th at 2:30pm. The next thing to worry about is that the embryos survive the thaw.

I am also doing acupuncture this cycle. I have an appointment today at noon and then again the day of the transfer. I figure it can't hurt and hopefully it helps!

Patches - On

I had my baseline estradiol level today and it was 35 which means I am sufficiently suppressed like they wanted. So I got the go ahead to put on my Vivelle patches. For those of you not familiar, Vivelle patches are estrogen in a patch. They come in 0.025, 0.0375, 0.05, 0.075, and 0.1mg. I am wearing TWO of the 0.1mg. When I told my mom this her response was "Poor Jeremy." HAHA. I am preparing to be a crazy, hormonal wreck for the next few weeks. Hopefully, Jeremy is preparing too!

Next up is my ultrasound/blood draw on the 19th. That is to make sure my uterine lining is thick enough. Then I start Progesterone shots on April 20th and transfer on the 26th. All of this is assuming everything goes according to plan of course!

This picture is of the two patches on my belly and it just so happens you can see the scar right above the left patch from my surgery a year ago to drill the cysts on my ovaries. I can't believe that next month we will have been trying to get pregnant for two years! I never would have thought we wouldn't have a baby at this point but as they say..."If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plan."

Date Change

The date has been moved up to Monday, April 26th instead of Thursday, April 29th for our Embryo Transfer. Dr. Young is going to be out of the office starting April 29th so they were able to move us up. This is going to work out a little easier schedule-wise and it's a couple days sooner so I don't have to wait as long :)

Time for my first injection of this cycle tonight - Leuprolide. These ones are super simple and I just use a tiny insulin syringe so pretty painless.

I also have a dry erase calendar in my kitchen and I erased March and put in April already because I was so excited to write in the Embryo Transfer. Dorky, I know...but still fun. You can see it down on the 26th with the big zigzag bubble around it - hehe.



Well, that's my exciting news for now. Hope everyone has a great week!