Just Waiting

We had our follow up appointment with the fertility doctor today. The first thing he said was that he was "a little surprised it didn't work." Yeah...

So our two embryos that didn't implant were both AA grade (the best). We have 1 AA, 2 BA, and 1 BB left frozen in two straws (2 in one, 3 in the other). I don't know much about embryo grading but the doctor seemed pleased with the quality of these embryos. We are going to thaw the 2 embryo straw for our next cycle. It will be about 3 weeks until we start the cycle. I have to take birth control and Lupron injections to "shut down" my ovaries just like the last cycle. I'll have a blood draw to make sure everything is quiet. Then I'll start applying my estrogen patches and doing progesterone injections. After a week or so of that, they'll put the embryos in (if they both survive the thaw).

About the thaw - about 2/3 of embryos survive thaw - hopefully we will have two to put in! The success rate for a frozen embryo transfer is 40%. We had a 60% chance with the fresh cycle. So chances are a little worse. However, the 40% success rate is for EVERYONE - women who are 25 and women who are 45. Since I am 25 I am hoping my chances are better (and the doctor seemed to agree with that).

I am feeling more relaxed which will hopefully bring a better chance of success. I am also putting my faith in God and my belief that He will fulfill our dream of children when He chooses - I'm just praying it's soon! ;)

If at first you don't succeed...

We'll be trying again. We went to the fertility clinic today and I had my blood drawn. The nurse called a couple hours later and confirmed what I already knew - I am not pregnant.

I definitely feel like I let my hopes get too high. There are so many highs and lows and ups and downs. I really feel physically exhausted from the emotional roller coaster this has been. It is hard to stay positive and sometimes I think it's healthier to be realistic instead of positive. For example when you've had 3 negative home pregnancy tests you pretty much know you aren't pregnant. Why put myself through being hopeful and being let down again.

I am feeling somewhat alone in this, like no one else really knows what I'm going through. And you couldn't know unless you've been through this before. Maybe I need a support group or something. "Hi, I'm Reanna and I'm infertile."

So last night I took like 2 hours and read a great blog that was recommended to me (thanks Sabrina!). It is written by someone WAY more positive than I am and it really helped to "settle me" emotionally. It helped me to remember that God has a plan for us. Maybe that plan is that our next IVF cycle will be successful. Maybe it is that we will never be able to have children - I hope that isn't the case but it has been proven that we don't have much control over this. Kelly, who writes this blog, also said she thinks that God wants us to ask for things so that when He gives them to us, we know to give thanks to Him. This made me stop and think. I've sort of always been of the opinion that it isn't appropriate to ask God for "things." I have prayed for peace, and patience, and strength during this process but I think next cycle I'll pray for a baby too...

So, what's next? Well, I have to set up an appointment to follow up with our doctor. I am very hopeful that we can get started on another cycle as soon as possible. We have five frozen embryos and our thought is that we will keep trying until those are all gone and if we still aren't pregnant we are going to start looking at adoption. That's hard to say - or type - sort of like talking about giving up on your dreams...hopefully it doesn't come to that.

Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts, and support. It is so comforting to know we aren't alone on this journey!

BFN and Meltdown

Well, I peed on a stick - big fat negative (BFN). That wasn't the problem. The problem was that I then proceeded to Google when other IVFers got a positive home pregnancy test (or Big Fat Positive - BFP). Results are: 5 and 6 days post transfer. Yesterday - which is when the BFN and subsequent meltdown occured - was day 9. Guess that means it didn't work. So anyway, thought I was fine and proceeded to go to work. This is when the meltdown occured. Eyes filling with tears and no way to stop it. I ended up taking a vacation day and going home to do more crying and sleeping.

Here's where I am. I need to be negative. I need to NOT get my hopes up because it hurts too much when they are broken. I am telling myself over and over in my head that it didn't take, I am not pregnant. However, the unfortunate part is that there is this tiny hope that keeps creeping in. I DON'T WANT IT! We have now been trying to get pregnant for 20 months - I am tired of getting my hopes up every month only to be let down.


What will we do next? Well, I still have to go in for my blood test on Sunday. My mom keeps saying I need to think positive, and I don't know for sure yet. However, I am a pharmacist. I am a rational, scientific person and science isn't telling me to be positive right now. We will hopefully be able to go right into a frozen cycle since we have five frozen embryos. That is if I don't have a mental breakdown first, of course.

We transferred two blastocysts (embryos, or as I like to call them, babies) on January 5th. They doctor said they looked great and actually asked if we wanted to transfer just one! We decided to stick with two since that had been the plan and we were mentally prepared for two. We also thought that if it doesn't work, we would really regret not putting in two.

It was a lot more emotional than I though it would be. First of all I had no idea we would get a picture of the embryos (above). WOW! Then they use ultrasound to see where they are putting them and the nurse said "Ok, that bright white spot is the embryos." WOW AGAIN! After the nurse and doctor left the room, I had to lay there for 20-30 minutes and I cried! Such a baby - but so amazing to see and to realize that this might actually be it!

I go in Sunday, January 17th at 9:10am for a blood draw to check my beta HCG to see if I'm pregnant. The doctor will call us that day with the results. I am really torn about whether or not I should try a home pregnancy test before that...we'll see if I can hold off or not.

Fingers still crossed!

17 Eggs Retrieved and 7 Fertilized

The retrieval on December 31st went well and they got 17 eggs. The next day the doctor called and said that 14 of the 17 were mature and of those, 7 fertilized. We are very happy with those results! So right now we are just waiting until Tuesday when two of the embryos will go back in.

On a related note, I have a totally awesome diet to follow. To prevent Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome I have to follow a high sodium diet. Included in the recommended foods: McDonald's french fries, potato chips, anything with lots of salt - yumm!