Friday, January 15, 2010

BFN and Meltdown

Well, I peed on a stick - big fat negative (BFN). That wasn't the problem. The problem was that I then proceeded to Google when other IVFers got a positive home pregnancy test (or Big Fat Positive - BFP). Results are: 5 and 6 days post transfer. Yesterday - which is when the BFN and subsequent meltdown occured - was day 9. Guess that means it didn't work. So anyway, thought I was fine and proceeded to go to work. This is when the meltdown occured. Eyes filling with tears and no way to stop it. I ended up taking a vacation day and going home to do more crying and sleeping.

Here's where I am. I need to be negative. I need to NOT get my hopes up because it hurts too much when they are broken. I am telling myself over and over in my head that it didn't take, I am not pregnant. However, the unfortunate part is that there is this tiny hope that keeps creeping in. I DON'T WANT IT! We have now been trying to get pregnant for 20 months - I am tired of getting my hopes up every month only to be let down.

What will we do next? Well, I still have to go in for my blood test on Sunday. My mom keeps saying I need to think positive, and I don't know for sure yet. However, I am a pharmacist. I am a rational, scientific person and science isn't telling me to be positive right now. We will hopefully be able to go right into a frozen cycle since we have five frozen embryos. That is if I don't have a mental breakdown first, of course.

No comments:

Post a Comment