We'll be trying again. We went to the fertility clinic today and I had my blood drawn. The nurse called a couple hours later and confirmed what I already knew - I am not pregnant.
I definitely feel like I let my hopes get too high. There are so many highs and lows and ups and downs. I really feel physically exhausted from the emotional roller coaster this has been. It is hard to stay positive and sometimes I think it's healthier to be realistic instead of positive. For example when you've had 3 negative home pregnancy tests you pretty much know you aren't pregnant. Why put myself through being hopeful and being let down again.
I am feeling somewhat alone in this, like no one else really knows what I'm going through. And you couldn't know unless you've been through this before. Maybe I need a support group or something. "Hi, I'm Reanna and I'm infertile."
So last night I took like 2 hours and read a great blog that was recommended to me (thanks Sabrina!). It is written by someone WAY more positive than I am and it really helped to "settle me" emotionally. It helped me to remember that God has a plan for us. Maybe that plan is that our next IVF cycle will be successful. Maybe it is that we will never be able to have children - I hope that isn't the case but it has been proven that we don't have much control over this. Kelly, who writes this blog, also said she thinks that God wants us to ask for things so that when He gives them to us, we know to give thanks to Him. This made me stop and think. I've sort of always been of the opinion that it isn't appropriate to ask God for "things." I have prayed for peace, and patience, and strength during this process but I think next cycle I'll pray for a baby too...
So, what's next? Well, I have to set up an appointment to follow up with our doctor. I am very hopeful that we can get started on another cycle as soon as possible. We have five frozen embryos and our thought is that we will keep trying until those are all gone and if we still aren't pregnant we are going to start looking at adoption. That's hard to say - or type - sort of like talking about giving up on your dreams...hopefully it doesn't come to that.
Thanks for all the prayers, positive thoughts, and support. It is so comforting to know we aren't alone on this journey!