I Live in Gratitude

I live in gratitude...

For all that I have given
And for all that I've received.

For the beauty in my life
And for the sorrows I have known.

For the challenges I've faced
And for just how far I've come.

For my courage and my gifts
And for the wisdom I've acquired.

For the journey and experience
And for kindness on the way.

For my dreams and my desires
And for the trust that I have learned.

For the joy and inspiration
And for my purpose, newly found.

For the miracles unfolding
And for what tomorrow holds.

For all the love I've ever known
And for what I've yet to give.

For my friends, my home, and family
And for the time to find myself.

For abundance and simplicity
And for the grace and opportunity.

For the chance to make a difference
And for the faith to know I will.

-D.D. Watkins

Easiest Wreath Ever!

This was the easiest thing to make - ever! I bought a package of ornaments at Hobby Lobby (50% off of course) and used a wire hanger we had at home. I have seen these on other blogs and decided to try it and just love it! You just string the ornaments on the hanger and tie it together. I added some ribbon to hang it with. Now, the one thing you have to be careful with is some ornaments have removable tops. If this is the case you have to hot glue the tops on or the ornaments will pop off as your stringing them on the hanger. But if you go to Hobby Lobby they have ones that are permanently attached so one less step. I paid $15 for the container that had all the ornaments I used on this wreath.




GLITTER!!



I LOVE these disco ball ones!



Show me yours if you've made one! C'mon Kelsey - I know you have!

Life's Not Fair Explanation

So some of you might have seen my Facebook post last week about life not being fair. Several people texted me or sent me messages so some of you know what's going on but for everyone else who is familiar with our saga here's the scoop.

We did our first round of in-vitro fertilization about this time last year. We transferred two embryos and did not get pregnant. A couple months later we transferred two more and again, nothing happened. On November 12th, we transferred our last three frozen embryos. I didn't blog about it and didn't even tell anyone (not even my mom which is crazy for me). We just felt like we wanted to go ahead and give it a try but keep it to ourselves.

On Sunday, November 21st I had my first EVER positive home pregnancy test.



Then I had about eight more positive home pregnancy tests. I could not get enough of peeing on a stick.



The first digital test I took came back negative but the regular ones were giving me faint positives. Some you had to tilt just right and have under the fluorescent lights but it was there. Finally, the morning of my blood pregnancy test (Wednesday, November 24th) I had a positive digital test. We were pretty much ecstatic but also trying to keep a level head because we know all the possibilities for something to go wrong. So I had my blood drawn and we got a call from my doctor a couple hours later that yes I was pregnant but my HCG level was 15 and he likes to see it over 100 so he was "not real hopeful." We had to wait two days and go in again last Friday for another HCG level. It was 9. It felt like we didn't have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. The doctor said to quit taking my progesterone injections and remove my estrogen patches and I would miscarry. Sidenote, I hate the word "miscarriage." I keep saying "the M word" because I don't like to say it.

We are angry and sad and at the same time hopeful. Jeremy and I both have thought that at least SOMETHING happened and so maybe next time it will work. However, we are discouraged by when "next time" might be. We will basically be starting over and so we are looking at $12,000 to $14,000.

Thank you to everyone who has been supportive and encouraging in this journey. We can't say enough how helpful it is to have you all as friends and family.

These beautiful cheer-me-uppers arrived yesterday from my mom and sister:

Christmas Decorations

Fall decorations are down and Christmas is up! We got a new tree last year after Christmas and put it up for the first time this year. It is a little huge! Oh well - go big or go home, right?




This is how the table centerpiece originally looked. I got the greenery at Earl May. It is what they trim off the trees they sell and it was $1.99 for all that I have in these containers plus there was a little left over. The "cranberries" are from Hobby Lobby and were 50% off $1.27...whatever that is.






Then I decided to put water in them to keep the greenery alive and the plastic cranberry-looking things started to "melt." The water turned bright red and it started to smell really bad - pretty sure it was putting of some sort of toxic fumes. So needless to say I had to get rid of those and just have the greenery now. Maybe I'll look for some real cranberries to float in there.

Here is the mantel:



Bookshelves on either side of the fireplace:




And this glittery goodness is my favorite:



Show me your Christmas decor!

Change of Pace

This blog has been quiet for awhile! We have been living life and NOT trying to have a baby for several months now and it has been very relaxing. I have been filling my time with various "crafting" projects. Feel free to roll your eyes. I have always loved crafts and glitter and making things and glitter... Well, I decided to share some of that on here. I should probably change the description of this blog since I'm not focusing on our infertility journey anymore...

So here's what I've been up to:


I made this fall-ish wreath and hung it in front of the mirror on our hall tree (which is not in a hall).



Here's a close up!



I switched out my table centerpiece for some pinecones and candles wrapped in leaves (which are coated in glitter of course).



Here's a close up of the candle. I bought plain leaves at Hobby Lobby and used spray glue to glitter them then wrapped them around the candles with twine.



I also love making cards! I am very excited for the card party my friend Ashley is hosting this weekend. I will share three cards I made yesterday after the party - don't want to spoil the fun by showing them early!

Hope everyone has a great Halloween!

So...

It's been awhile! My last post was a little short, okay really short. I didn't have words to say how I felt at that point in time. I think I do now, or at least I have more words than I did then!

When we found out the FET didn't work I was crushed, devastated, heart broken. I felt like I didn't get my hopes as high the second time as I did the first. But it still hurt so bad. Even though we still have 3 embryos frozen I felt like the second try was a last chance in a way. The two couples we know (or know of at least) who have had success with IVF got pregnant the second try. Something in me says that if it hasn't worked the first two times (with the best of the best embryos) how could it possible work the third time. And of course the answer is that God has a plan. The first four embryos were not meant to be born.

A question I have just recently found myself asking is if life begins at conception, are these babies in heaven? Will I meet them someday if I'm lucky enough to get there too? Side bar, 3 years ago I would have rolled my eyes at the whole life begins at conception statement. Now I feel very convinced that these embryos are babies. They are MY babies and guess what, they died. I have a right to be sad, to mourn them. I have been quite taken aback by the number of people who don't understand this. I've been hurt by the people in my life who I've opened up to about this who couldn't seem to care less. Infertility has been a unique opportunity to learn about people and to see who really cares about you. But maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe people do care but they just don't say anything because they don't know what to say. What I do know is there are some really amazing people in my life who do care about us a lot and that's probably all I should worry about.

So, what are we doing now? We are taking "a break." There a several reasons for the break. First, I need it emotionally. I've said before how emotionally draining this is and some time off has already helped me feel better (and not be so crabby!). Second, we are getting our financial house in order. This part is really exciting in a super nerdy way! We read Dave Ramsey's book and are doing a Total Money Makeover! If you haven't heard of this check out his website. Basically we are working on a "snowball" to get rid of our debt. This way, when we are blessed with a baby, we will be in the best financial situation possible. And the third reason for our break - we are looking into other options for starting a family. We are attending an informational meeting on adoption (both domestic and intercountry) on Saturday! Adoption is obviously a long and expensive process and we really aren't even to the starting line of the process yet, but it is exciting nonetheless and I can't wait to learn more on Saturday.

We are really just trying to find our way and praying for God to show it to us and to guide us and to give us patience for the journey.

Results

Today was the blood pregnancy test and the results were negative. We are not pregnant.